Since I was 12 up until in my early twenties (when I got my first computer and internet access) I did a lot of writing - mostly poetry, some prose and theatre, and a looooooot of journaling.
Then, around 21 I got my first PC, a Pentium 4 with 512mb of ram and a 64mb nVidia card. I took up music production, for about ten years. I had a couple of releases on Juno, but mostly played local parties and festivals. Having no musical training whatsoever and also probably tone deaf, I ended up quitting it altogether after a while of being burned out and basically copying myself over and over again. The fun was gone, the money was never there so I saw no reason to go on.
Then I dropped any sort of artistic endeavor for gaming for a good few years, but that got old fast.
Mid 2016 I took up photography and videography. I started by making short edits out of game-footage, some macro videos shot with a phone and a clip-on lens until I got myself a DSLR and went into shooting weddings and baptisms. I got burned out with that in just a couple of short years. I gave it up and decided to only do it for the art.
I’m pushing 40 years old and I’m pretty certain photography and visual arts in general is where I feel most comfortable expressing myself.
This is where I need to vent a little. I’ve been a creative person ever since I can remember, and I constantly feel a burning hunger to create, to express myself artistically.
I go out shooting macro at least once a week (more often if time permits) usually very early Sunday mornings. Then I edit the photos (I love this part of the process at least as much as the actual shooting itself. Post-processing has almost entirely replaced gaming for me, I find it that much fun).
I also do a bit of freelancing product photography, sometimes for cash, sometimes for free, for very close friends. I enjoy this also.
But that’s not enough. I’ve developed a sort of obsession for Blender. I find it fascinating. The possibilities are endless, but sadly, my knowledge is very limited. As it was when I started making music, but it did not stop me. I read and learned for endless hours and spent many sleepless nights studying music production. Just like I started doing with Blender this spring. I’ve watched many dozens of hours of tutorials, I’ve read articles and blog posts and reddit threads. I sometimes do it as entertainment, but I can’t seem to make anything worthwhile on my own.
While I can follow tutorials and do achieve very similar, if not the same results, I find this to be very dissatisfying, and already frustrating. A trained monkey could do this.
Whenever I try to create something on my own, I get stuck very fast, firstly due to a lack of vision and any sort of training in visual arts (I’m thinking sculpture, painting etc) and secondly due to insufficient understanding of 3d modelling. I very often get stuck because something doesn’t work like I think it should and I can’t understand why or how to fix it.
Then I go back to youtube and watch some more tutorials, get hyped up again, jump into Blender, get stuck very early in my project with very minor things (like why doesn’t this edge get beveled) and frustration sets in and I ragequit.
I’m telling myself I should focus on photography and leave 3d altogether. Better to be excellent at one thing than to know a little of a lot of things, no?
Then I see something someone else made in Blender and I find myself fantasizing all day at work about how I’m going to pick up Blender again and stick with it. It’s an obsession at this point and the cycle keeps repeating.
Please excuse the (uncalled-for) length of this post and the fact that it’s a rant more than anything, but please do feel free to chime in with anything.
While I will never stop doing and learning photography, the hunger I mentioned in the beginning of my post is very real when it comes to wanting to learn Blender and 3d modelling. I just feel I HAVE TO learn Blender. It’s a visceral need to prove to myself that I can do it. Also, I know that in many ways 3d is the future and I want to keep up with the times. But I’ve just about had enough with the frustration that inevitably follows when I (inevitably) get stuck modelling the simplest objects, or whatnot.
If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate it. If you want to share your thoughts, thanks.